Friday, September 02, 2005

Desk of the Sell Out Generation (Extra Edition) - America - FOR SHAME!

13:32 - It took 5 days to post this in honour of the stupidest President that has ever let down the people he is responsible for.

13:33 - Everyone in Europe is thinking of the people in New Orleans that have been disgracefully left to rot by the sham President George "I AM a card carrying fuckwit!" Bush.

13:34 - There is a sickeningly horrible stench of stupidity, naivety, and pig-ignorant policy making going on in the US, and although the tragic loss of life is unacceptable, it is truly hoped that the UNITED STATES of AMERICA will learn from this. Foreign Policy prioritising has landed you in this mess, its time to get your own house in order...

13:35 - He FLEW over the disaster zone...he didn't land, he didn't show his face and show thus some solidarity with the citizens of the United States...he FLEW overhead in an air-conditioned, well-fueled, and well-stocked luxury, security obsessed airliner...He even had the audacity to have his picture taken whilst pointing out the most horrendous of damage...could he demonstrate any LESS of an appropriate level of responsibility, concern or leadership?

13:36 - This is the demonstration the world has been looking for to prove the undeniable inappropriateness of this man to hold the helm, and the unquestionable proof that the President of the United States is a MUPPET...sorry, PUPPET of big business. And that is ALL he is. Kennedy would have understood the need to be seen on the front line helping his people. The Queen Mum walked the East End to demonstrate the solidarity of "the leadership" with "the people". President Bush, flew over the disaster zone and pointed whilst gurning for history. FUCKWIT!

13:37 - Why were so many left to die? Why were the white neighbourhoods empty? Why ware all the refugees that are being shown on TV black and Hispanics? Where are all the white folk?

13:38 - Some WHITE prick with a big Afro was interviewed on National Television discussing the Exhibition hall or something and his view was that they were "on track" with reparations because he'd managed to print a sodding T-shirt to raise funds to repair the water damage to the building...

13:39 - Just three blocks from the studio where he recorded that wonderfully middle class bit or corporate culture plugging, there were THOUSANDS of Black and Hispanic refugees DYING on the streets and fighting over drinking water...AMERICA FOR FUCKING SHAME!!!

13:39 - FOR UNDYING ABSOLUTE SHAME!

13:40 - Hang your heads, and accept the disgusting epithet of SHITTY PEOPLE as yours. Mr Bush, you have no honour. You don't deserve to be remembered. Your name, face and image will be slapped with the soles of the sandals of thousands of dead Iraqis and Cajuns alike. United in death at the hands of the stupidest President to ever rule what USED TO BE a superpower.

13:41 - There will now be a 2 minute silence in memory of the people this man has murdered.

13:42 - Please.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

17:01 - Howdy cheese fans!

17:02 - In a surprise but welcome twist and bearing in mind the aim of the Desk is to foster, albeit in an incredibly round-about sort of way, good relations with people on a world wide scale or in the words of Miss Universe 1997, "I just want World Peace and happiness for everyone!" (A gun dammit pass me a gun NOW) I just wanted to draw the readerships' attention to the kind words of an Ambassador for the United States who also happens to subscribe to the Desk. He's a keen fan or so he says.

17:03 - Whether he subscribes because they follow that ancient tenet of "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" or whether they are secretly desperately trying to escape the clutches of corporate consumer shame and this is the first step (in which case congratulations and support are needed), either of these reasons are neither here nor there. Suffice to say that the Ambassador contacted me personally to offer me coffee (ooh sly clever diplomacy) and a begrudging apology on behalf of the culprits guilty of the Mock Shock horror headlines of days gone by.

17:04 - For the sake of my less-loyal readership who may have missed that edition (for shame), American tourists were seen taking comedy photos of themselves posing in fake shock horror poses (a la Austin Powers) whilst in the background Britain's finest climbed from the still-fresh bomb site of King's Cross station covered in innocent victims blood, and having witnessed horrendous atrocities in the name of anti-Western sentiment (and sadly this is true - this isn't just made up for this blog's sake).

17:05 - Suffice to say this journalist feels somewhat chagrined by the emotional outburst which ensued and the less than objective demonstration of the anger this behaviour embodied in an upstanding member of the press and a card carrying Brit (when it suits me...er..him...sod it, its me I know

17:06 - Basically I lost it, but even in hindsight it was justified! I then, to my shame lost it in the blog-o-sphere and told everyone precisely how I felt, in no uncertain terms...oops. Thankfully I haven't been fire-bombed yet, but I suppose that's cos the kind of people who would resort to fire-bombing or any kind of revenge style attack aren't the kind of people who read.

17:07 - However the Ambassadors words of good will (to quote - I think I would have punched them myself had I seen that) have gone a long way to re-establishing the poodle-esque...sorry, friendly nature of Desko-American relations.

17:08 - In a true attempt to heal, salty painful wounds, the Ambassador has promised a fresh shipment of boxing gloves for all members of the British Press and a blank cheque agreement in the Entente of the King's Cross to dutifully deck til unconcious (with full endorsement of the United States guhvernament) any numb nuts caught being as disgracefully rude (He also promised ot send some of those exellent aerosol food products you Americans are so keen on.., aerosolised food...fantastic...I think it was invented to end poverty in Africa, just fly over and spray them with dinner, but unffortuantely someone got hte instructions wrong on the packet...instead of Fly over Africa and spray, someoen read the instructions as, shovel as much of this down American gullets as possible and turn us into the obese-est nation ont he planet at the expense of everyone else...you can't win them all...my favourite is Spray in a can cheese...cheese. In an aerosol can. YOu guys are really fucking weird you know that...where was I...oh yeah...

17:09 - In return for the Ambassadors' most heartfelt gesture, the Desk allows that idiots happen everywhere (See Also Brits abroad in Ibiza (that's a little island in Yoorp near Spain folks...where "Spainsh" people come from) and any British man near a football) and that America may still subscribe to the Desk on condition that they mend their ways.

17:10 - It will be a long road, but we are proud to announce the signing of interesting looking bits of paper with, frankly, enormous, stupid and unwieldy looking pens and very important looking hand-shake Photo Opportunity moments for the rest of the Scumbags...sorry that should read, "World's press" at a later date.

17:11 - All those who wish to attend should send fawning letters of a desperate and foul-ly arse-licking nature to the usual address (Melton Mowbray, et al) branded onto Caucasian babies only. No rodents, no refugee babies and for god's sake no grown up babies (they're called adults and they're a hell of a lot harder to hold down without tranquiliser darts).

17:12 - For those of you who have NONE of the references to understand the above statements please do NOT call the police or any relevant authority. We already have done this and gained written permission to "crack jokes" and "have a laugh" to our hearts content...if you don't understand the joke, then perhaps its time you subscribed to the Desk more regularly and took a healthier and more pro-active interest in the world around you...ITS NOT SOME BIG SCARY PLACE. ITS YOUR HOME. Start taking some damm responsibility for it!

17:13 - This is Plummeting Headlong melting sealing wax for the third time cos the photographer from Time was late, shaking the hands of the US Ambassador in a genuinely warm yet mildly patronising way, cos in the real world I've got the upper-hand (Blair/Bush Psychological style) and asking everyone present to acknowledge that friendship works better than blowing each other up.

17:14 - Been to the Blood Bank yet? And DON'T try and lie to me...I KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE HAVE alright. Hop it. Go on. Half an hour and a smug feeling of having done something good. GO...Go on...carry on.

17:15 - Why thank you Mr Ambassador, no please you carry on now, otherwise my security might see you as slightly more threatening than you really are and we wouldn't want that before the "Genuine warmth and patronising hand-shake photoshoot opportunity" as you climb the stairs of your British aeroplane to carry you away from paradise and back to that gun-toting danger zone you call home now would you (broken arms and blood tend to ruin the pictures in the tabloids)...you go on ahead now ya hear...carry on, please.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Mock Shock and American Shame....

14:38 - GMT - YEAH ENGLISH TIME, ENGLISH AND PROUD OF IT!

14:39 - This week's rant and rave isn't funny. Sorry. Its a searing indictment of the grossly disgraceful behaviour of two groups of people...funnily enough both of them Americans.

14:40 - 1) The US Government has had in place a ban on its military forces entering the M25...could they be any more cowardly...whatever happened to solidarity...whatever happened to shoulder to shoulder, facing a common enemy together?

14:41 - You guys suck bigger chunks of vomit from the steaming puddle left by the selfish consumer generation than any other group of self-serving consumers any where in the entire world. Friends when you need us, but hey when the chips are down its "Ah, stay away from the Brits, they're the target now, let them sort themselves out."

14:42 - All this frothing hack can say is "Gee thanks buddy, now shove off and stuff your fat lardy scumbag, selfish, bullshit, egotistical fat arses with more of that shit called Mom's Apple Pie...firstly its spelt MUM for god's sake and secondly, yours can't cook. Bring on the pies, the fish the chips, the gourmet cuisine and Jamie Oliver any bloody day you fat bastards!

14:43 - 2) And this one will make any decent human being sick! There I was stood outside King's Cross station with a camera team interviewing people who actually experienced the horrendous atrocities of the 7th of July 2005 in London, England. Its a tough job, asking people who are obviously in shock and very upset by the death, mutilation and horror that any terrorist incident creates, but I'm trying to be as diplomatic and as sensitive as its possible to be in those trying circumstances.

14:44 - I'm talking to this poor little old lady with dust and soot plaster and all over her when for no reason at all, her eyes go wide in shock. I'm thinking, "Oh god something even worse has happened", so I look round and what did I see...

14:45 - Standing in front of the King's Cross sign where there were already flowers being laid for the 21 people who died, were three American girls in full tourist gear with their digital cameras that Daddy had paid for taking pictures of themselves in "mock shock/horror" poses whilst in the background police and firemen were climbing the stairs covered in blood and dirt, having witnessed god knows what kind of horrors.

14:46 - think about it...think about what these young American women were doing, at a time like that...

14:47 - All I can say is, this is Plummeting Headlong, buying a first class ticket on Concord to New York so that I can dance on the graves of every single corporate consumer yankee bastard that died in the World Trade Centre disaster.

14:48 - HEY AMERICA!!!! Its time to teach your fucking children some fucking manners you fucking scumbags. WAKE UP AND REALISE THAT THERE's 250,000,000 of you, and more than 4.5 BILLION OF US!!! ARSEHOLES!

14:49 - This is Plummeting Headlong asking everyone to give blood. Now more than ever..

14:50 - Carry on together.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Day 1 of the new ear!

12:24 - Wearing my latest Dr Spock attachable ear protectors with their handy pointy tips to deflect falling debris from the shower of doo doo I will land myself in for mocking the evil Trekkers of "Mee-dull Yamrarica!" I am proud to announce the expansion of the desk!

12:25 (Desk Post Wake Up Time - D.P.WUT) Having learned at the hands of economic gurus the world over, Falling Carefully has branded himself and trade-marked the franchise of the Desk.

12:26 - Not only can you find a Euro-zone version of the Desk to entertain you with the latest shite from the Old Land where vampires roam, and dreams are things that posh people 'av, whilst the working classes sup tea and moan about any other time in the world other than the one they currently reside in. "The present's shite, but the past was lovely!"

12:27 - Now my children, my willing participants in the global experiment that is Hard COre Thinking. My American brothers, sisters and fellow primates it is time for you to join us! You have no choice. Like the older brother that can hold your head undewater for longer than you can hold your breath, you must cry uncle eventually. And I'm enough of a big brother to know that. Also, like, I've been watching your foreign policy, and I've come to the conclusion that the only thing you people listen to is BLATANT VIOLENCE. So. If you lot don't sort your shite out soon, the desk will be forced to publicise a comprehensive indictment of your behaviour...starting with GUNS.

12:28 - Whatever the NRA says, whatever gun owners say, whatever the companies that invent make, build and sell guns say....they kill. Wake up. Very simple...your home work is to wake up.

12:29 - If you'd like to know more about guns and their alledged link to real actual death, call someone in Yoorop (the Old Country) and ask their opinion...remember Garlic is not necessary for communication with people from Yoorop as the vampire thing is just a "myth". One day I will teach you history and all, just so youse understand the meaning of myth and its "heritage". There is so much to teach you, I am lloking forward to this assignment very much and hope you will welcome me, albeit it grudgingly at first, with open arms to hear wisdom and truth which, it must be said, has been horrendously lacking in your nation's policy making processes.

12:30 - Meantime, Enjoy the champagne reception (well alright, the 6 pack of warm beer, and the bag of Dorritos that the editor in chief spashed for...cheap git that he is!), and tune in for more wise words and advice from a "old" and tired civilisation, what's done it all before you lot even left here as twinkles in your Puritcanical mammies hypocritical eyes.

12:31 - God bless America where I am free top use Yooropean Irony on you, even though yas don't understand what I am on aboot. :) Peace and Love.

12:32 - This is Falling Carefully welcoming you all to the wonderful world of thinking before your knee jerk instincts force you to do whatever your stupid monkey brains tell you to do...most of which revolves around cars (cock substitutes), your cocks (car substitues) and money (intelligence substitutes).

12:33 - Carry on, with love.